27: Disgusting Abdominal Noises

Why is it OK for guys to fart and not OK for girls?

Everybody eats to live, and the process of digestion, especially if one consumes a high fiber diet (which by the way is recommended for good health), produces gas. For some social and cultural reason that surely is written down somewhere, it is socially acceptable for guys to pass gas just about anywhere and anytime without anyone freaking out, other than perhaps a giggle or two.

But let a girl pass gas, and everyone is horrified, a serious social faux pas has just occurred. Why is this? It is not as if girl gas smells worse than guy gas, in fact the opposite is usually true. Guys can make you gag. Seriously. And it is not as if girl gas is louder and more noticable than guy gas, again, the opposite is usually true. Guys can sound like a bass bassoon blowing it out. Girls usually have polite little squeaky gas, which is much quiter and less noticable: except that it isn’t. EVERYBODY notices when a girl passes gas. Even if they pretend not to.

This would make a good topic for a doctoral research paper – WHY is it that disgusting abdominal noises are OK for guys and not for girls? Is it that whole “sugar and spice and everything nice”  thing? Guys were “snails and puppy dog tails” as I recall that nursery rhyme, and it was OK for them to get really, really dirty too. It just isn’t fair!

Everybody gets gas. Everybody should be able to pass it, because there certainly is more room on the outside than there is on the inside. And gas HURTS when you don’t let it go. Why suffer? I suggest getting really, really close to someone you don’t care much for, and then letting go. Should be entertaining, and a huge relief, all at the same time. Girls unite! Pass that gas!

26: Favorite things

Our school’s students have been attending music class, which is right down the hall from my classroom. Music class, like band and Physical Education classes, is not designed to be a silent class, so I can hear what the students are practicing from my room. Lately, they have been singing one selection from the musical “The Sound of Music.” This particular song I have heard several times a day for about a week now. It got me thinking about my favorite things, since the lyrics of the song list the composer’s favorite things. What are my favorite things?

I like dragonflies. Dragonflies are mosquito hawks – they are voracious mosquito predators. For that reason alone, I would like them, but they also are beautiful, delicate, elegant, colorful and acrobatic.

I also like praying mantis insects. The female praying mantis generally eats her mate after they do their business, which I think is a very tidy way to finish off your mate, without the hassle and expense of divorce. Besides, their praying pose gives them at least the appearance of piety, which is endearing in a creature that “offs” her husband as soon as he has finished his usefulness. And, they have lovely wings which most people don’t see, since they tuck away out of sight when the mantis is praying/preying for insects (or husbands).

I like books. Books are endless sources of entertainment, learning, and fillers of spare time. The variety is literally endless, and there is always a number of them that are on my “must read” list, of all sorts and kinds, from all sorts and kinds of authors.

I like chocolate. Actually, love might be a better word choice. Scientists have finally found that chocolate produces endorphins, which are those “feel good” chemicals in the brain that explain why for centuries men have arrived at the doorstep of their lady friends hopefully bearing gifts of the sinfully decadent, luscious treat. They know it puts the ladies into a very good mood, from which the male is hoping to benefit. Good thing she is not usually praying when he arrives.

I like fabrics. I like them in rugs, in sweaters, in clothing, in draperies, in fabric still on the bolt, just waiting for me to create something with it. Silk, mohair, wool, cotton, chiffon, crepe, blends, denim, rayon challis, satin, corduroy, there are almost as many different kinds of fabric as there are different kinds of books! What an orgy of delight!

Speaking of orgy – I like my husband, previous comments about the male species notwithstanding. I found one of those true rarities: a masculine man who has few gender issues. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, shops, communicates, and generally is a human person. Unlike most other specimens of his species.

I like seeing the results of other people’s creativity. Paintings, sculpture, jewelry, fabric, stained glass, creamics, things in museums, things offered for sale. Endlessly fascinating what ideas people come up with!

I like traveling to new places to see new things, new people, new cultures, new food, new whatever there is to see! It is best when my husband is there to enjoy all the new things with me.

And I like the warm, sleepy smell of a napping kitty. Might explain why I have four of them. Actually, now that I think about it, my warm, sleepy husband smells really good, too! And baking bread smells divine, and so does coffee percolating in the coffemaker, and bacon sizzling in the pan, especially if there are sweet buttermilk pancakes and honey syrup to go along with the bacon.

AAAHHHHHHhhhhhh. Life is GOOD!

25: New Computer Lab

Our school had one computer lab last year. It was difficult to schedule multiple teachers to use the lab, and often, we had two classes at once in the lab, trying to make accommodation for everyone to be able to use the computers. In our classrooms, each teacher had one or two computer workstations, which seldom were used. Over the summer, we teachers got the bright idea to take those one or two workstations in the classrooms that were seldom used anyway, and take them all to a room and use them to set up a second computer lab. WOW. What a difference.

Today, my seniors were researching a United Nations issues research project, and the science teacher was already scheduled to show a film (DVD) in the computer lab that I usually use – so my class all trooped off to the second lab. Now, these computers are older, so they are a little slower – but hey! We HAVE a second lab of computers to use, for which I am very grateful! These previously not-much-used computers have been put to use this year. The math teacher tells me that he uses the second lab frequently, and now, whenever the other lab (which is actually closer to my classrooms) is in use, I will make use of the second lab, for those times when we have completed our work and have part of the class left for completing homework, or writing our journals, or for whatever work a student needs to get done.

We are making better use of our available resources, and our students have a second lab for use during the school day. We might be an efficient bunch, after all!

24: Mermaid

I have a problem. Sometimes an image will get stuck in my head. It can be an image of something graphic, two-dimensional, like a painting. Sometimes even the size of the thing will be represented (small, medium, large or even miniature). Sometimes the item is a form, three-dimensional – like a piece of jewelry, or a sculpture.

When these things get stuck there, I have to create them to exorcise them. This is annoying, because they bother me (torment me, actually) until I get them out by creating them. Often, this means obtaining the materials to create them, especially the three-dimensional ones. Thank goodness the two-dimensional ones are much easier – draw them or paint them, usually, and those materials are simple to obtain.

The latest thing to get stuck there is a huge image of a mermaid sitting on a rock, undersea, with fishes swimming around her. I found and bought two white, sturdy canvas drapes at the Ifrane souk, one of which I have begun putting the mermaid upon, in paint, of course. These draperies cost me 80 dirham. Plus the paint. And the time.

AND, what is even more annoying, I now have another image – a mask (three-dimensional, of course) with curled metal pieces for hair, and curly metal wool (those steel wool balls you scrub pots with?) in between the curly metal pieces. This gets annoying. How much are all those pot scrubbers going to cost? I’ve already found the curly metal pieces while on a walk. They were scraps thrown away from some construction project, and I picked them up, the mask image already full-blown in my head. The pot scrubbers came later.

Was this what drove Vincent van Gogh crazy?

23: Old age

Old age is not so bad, when you consider the alternative: the eternal dirt nap. Any day I spend this side of the grass is a good day. I don’t mind eventually being fertilizer for the flowers, but I am not looking to be converted anytime soon. Yes, I do plan to go to heaven and enjoy the infinite pleasures therein, but I am not getting up a trip to go today, if you know what I mean. Life is good. I am not looking to depart this mortal coil anytime real soon. Old age is fine by me, since I appear to be getting there faster and faster.

And that’s another thing. As you age, time speeds up. Remember when it took FOREVER just to get to your birthday? And Christmas took YEARS to fianlly arrive in December each year? Now, it seems like yesterday we were celebrating the New Year on January 1, and now it is time to be buying Christmas presents already. Jeepers, creepers, where did the year GO?? Perhaps it is the problem of living for the weekend. There are only 52 of those each year, compared to 365 days. So, if you spend all of your time as an adult living for the weekends, perhaps THAT is why the year disappears so fast. Hmmmm. Makes sense. The trick, then, to slowing life down and enjoying every day is just that: to enjoy each day. The hard part is learning how to enjoy each day while you are on the job, earning a living. YUCK. I understand why I was living for the weekends!

I am old enough by now, ding dong dad nab it, to be able to figure out how to enjoy each day, even if I AM at work. Hmmm. Ok. That one is going to need some thought. Hmmmm. I can’t afford daily shopping. That’s out. Daily exercise sucketh mightily. Every now and then, OK – but not daily. Book reading every day causes butt spread, probably because of the snacking I do when I sit still and read. So, that is out as a daily “look forward to life” event. Hmmmm.

HEY! I’ve got it! Pick ONE thing, at least, every day, that I enjoy doing, and do it for that one day! Then, tomorrow, pick something else! Then, everyday will be worth living, enjoyable, and different! YEA – problem solved!!

22: Headaches

Life is full of headaches. Rotten people account for many of them. I am not sure how so many people in the world go around all day, every day with their heads stuck up their bums. That would give ME a headache, but they seem to function in that position all the time. Idjits.

Other headaches are all about money. When you think about it, money is worthless – it is what money PROVIDES for you that is important, even if you just save all of it and don’t spend any to get things. Saved money is security to some people. My headaches come from spending a little too much of the money I earn. I don’t waste it, but it sure goes fast.

And some headaches are just that – plain old headaches. Maybe I slept in the wrong position in the bed, maybe I have a snotty nose and it is a sinus headache from congestion – maybe it is a simple tension headache from working on the computer too long – anyway, it is just a headache. I need an aspirin……

21: Field Trips

I adore field trips.

Or, at least I USED to adore field trips back in the day when I was a student myself – you know – the dark ages. Then, all I had to do was go, listen and learn. NOW that I am the teacher, all the field trip arrangements are mine to make.

First, I have to write a proposal for approval of the trip here at school. I have to explain why this trip is educational, and worthwhile. Then, I have to arrange getting the van – all the paperwork and e-mails to be sure one is available to take us. Next comes the parent permission form where I explaion to parents why this trip is good and worthwhile. Then I have to make lesson plans for the classes that are not going on the trip, and any students who do not bring in the signed permission forms to go with us. Then the emergency bag – water, toilet paper, facial tissues, hat, first aid kit, plastic bags for any carsickness and cleaning up the trash in the van afterwards, sunscreen with bug repellant, a snack, tweezers for splinters. Then we have to have a speech at the beginning of the trip so everyone behaves, a potty break or two, making sure everyone stays with the group, counting noses, and being sure we do not leave anyone behind. And keeping an eye on the time to be sure we get back to school when we said we would, so no one worries about us.

WHEW! One field trip a year. Maybe.