281: Children

I have fur children, and a feather child (temporarily). I also have human children. Human children are a different kettle of fish, obviously. I basically have human children because I planned to have them. Sort of. When my husband (number 1) and I married, I overheard some family member of his commenting in the ladies’ room at church that I could have only caught him by getting pregnant. My daughter arrived five years later, thank you very much. Nyah, nyah, na pooh pooh.

My son arrived because my first obstetrician and husband number one voted not to tie my tubes after my daughter was born. I was campaigning hard for ligation, since being pregnant basically made me feel like that dude in Alien on the table while that thing inside of him ate its way out. Thank goodness my daughter was human, and has remained so…but the mental image remains, kinda like mind rape. I won’t EVER forget that scene. So, my son arrived in due course, since I did not get my surgery by a vote of two-to-one.

I am pretty sure that women are born mentally defective. This is so we will have a SECOND child, having forgotten/blocked out the memory of the arrival of the first one. Pause for full-body shudder. And *I* never had a labor pain – not the first one. I was a C-section from the word go. And it still freaks me out.

If the nurse could come into the room and tell me “here is your new offspring, Mrs. Stephens, congratulations,” I might consider it…..for a minute or two. The process of growing my own? No, thanks. I am an unnatural woman, I know. I think the fact that I need more testosterone than average females in order not to kill people is a clue. I discovered that when I had the baby-making factory removed a few years ago. I highly recommend it. Now, life is much smoother without all the hormonal highs and lows – a much smoother ride, thank you!

I am batting .500. My daughter is human, my son……well…..my daughter is human. Why do boys have such a much harder time? Is it because they are NOT mentally defective, or because they are MORE mentally defective than women are?

Topic for a new research study?


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