565: Mea culpa maxima

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It’s all my fault.

You would not have it any other way – you cannot possibly bear any responsibility, now, would you?

Things, and people, which cannot be borne are best forgiven, and then assiduously avoided, because pain is…..painful. It is possible to think of you, now, without anger. But not without pain. Yet. When I have achieved that goal, it will be possible to remember you without sadness.

I invested in you. The money is irrelevant – it is only money, no matter how much money it was. I invested myself into you. It is now time to invest in myself, even though I don’t do that very well yet. I have spent so many years investing in others instead of me, that it is difficult to even believe I am worthy of investment.

Working on it.

On all of it.

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528: Hope

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We get today. Actually, we get less than today. We get right now, this moment, this breath. We only hope for the rest of today, and for tomorrow.

Yesterday can’t be changed. It can be forgiven. It can be atoned for. It can be reconciled, but it can’t be changed. Accept that fact or not, willing or unwilling, you cannot change it. So, right now, this moment, this breath: forgive. Atone for and reconcile if you are given tomorrow.

I deny myself so much when I resent, hold offense, keep anger fanned hot. If I ever hope to move safely into peace, health, life itself, this is something I must achieve. Giving up my right to resent. Giving up my right to be offended. Giving up my right to anger. Even when it hurt. Even then.

When I do not have the strength of mind and will to give it up on my own, I ask for help in giving it up, sincere in my desire to do it, but weak in my power to achieve it. And gently, or sometimes harshly, the help, the power, the strength, the courage, the willpower arrives to get the job done. To surrender. It takes great bravery to surrender, and move to what is better, rather than cling stubbornly to what is not.

But it’s worth it. Every time.  Even when it hurts.

514: Icarus

Desire, heat, bright and beckoning,

my goal, my paradise, my home.

Striving, straining, struggling, reaching:

faltering, failing, falling –

pain and destruction. Anger.

Bitter ashes.

Time and healing, forgiveness.

Resurrection of hope – looking skywards once more.

New wings; better, stronger than before.

New hope, and new desire; better, stronger than before.

Flying ever higher, higher, higher…………

Touching the face of God.

 

I made it

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470: Ashes

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Angry words, hurt feelings.

Phrases carefully calculated to wound

In trying to understand, to come to grips, to heal, to move on:

I wonder, did I betray you

or did you betray me?

I suppose the honest answer to that is

we did it to each other.

Neither of us was innocent,

much as we’d like to be.

I am sorry for the part I played

in the disaster, and I don’t want to keep sifting ashes,

looking for…….what?

Solace? Absolution? Memories? Forgiveness?

That, I am sure, I will have to award to myself,

after I first give it to you.

I forgive you.

Be happy.

1- Getting Started on a New Year

A new year at Al Akhawayn School of Ifrane is about to begin! I am pleased and proud to introduce a new class of students to the fine art of journal writing using WordPress’ free blog hosting site. this year there will be three classes of students whose musings we will get to read with joy, with sorrow, with wonder and with anger.

Anger? Yes – life is so very, very short, and none of us knows where or when it will end. Too many young people, secure in the belief that, of course, nothing bad will ever happen to them personally, will waste this year’s opportunity to come to know themselves better than once they did. Writing, analyzing, yes, even dissecting events long dead and gone helps us to discover our secret motivations, to know the person hidden deep within ourselves, the one who does those things that perplex us, even as we do them.

Learning ourselves is the only way to ever fit comfortably within our own skins. Rubbing along comfortably with others is facilitated by knowing our own boundaries, and respecting the boundaries of others. This comes with introspection and reflection – so, young authors! Pencils aloft! Advance into the fray!  Write, write – WRITE!!