I have garnered the lead female role in a play, the Thirty Nine Steps. Actually, I play three different females in this play, all of whom interact with the male romantic lead. Who just happens to be my husband in real life. I get to kiss him onstage. More than once. In public. With an audience. Woo-hoo.
There are a lot of lines to learn. In a fairly short period of time. This is exciting, and scary, all at the same time. I am having performance anxiety issues, here, and I haven’t even performed yet. Worrying about things that may never happen. I’m pretty good at that, actually…..darn it.
I will choose to re-direct that snotty little voice in my head, and tell it that I will be wonderful, rave reviews, fantastically good time had by all (including me). I will not listen to internal negative thoughts of forgetting lines, or tripping onstage, or having wardrobe issues – I will have a great time in three accents: German, Scottish and plummy British. And I will kiss my husband, leading man, with gusto and fervor. Woo-hoo!
It is a curiously uncomfortable feeling, laying out one’s credentials for obtaining a loan for a new (well – used, but new to ME) car.
There’s the need to look confident; as if there could, of course, be no doubt that I more than qualify for the paltry sum I am requesting to borrow.
Then there is the faint anxiety that some past indiscretion will pop up on an incriminating computer terminal – and sirens will sound and lights will flash and the loan officer will smile a superior smile and offer their sincere regrets that their company is regrettably unable to offer me the loan.
It is a little bit like having to wait for the results of a physical exam – surely everything is alright, but there’s always the slim, worrisome possibility of a fatal disease heretofore undiscovered.
It also reminds me of that faint anxiety you have when you are presented with an award – right in the middle of the presentation, will someone yell FRAUD – that I don’t really deserve this honor about to be bestowed?
It’s that familiar sense of breathless anticipation when the preacher says “If there be anyone among you who has just cause that these two should not be married, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.” There’s always that pregnant little pause, where everybody hopes simultaneously that something and nothing will happen.
Oh, well, I did get the loan after all – and nothing awful happened….this time!