512: Top 10 Review of Lord of the Flies, by William Golding

lord-of-the-flies

Top Ten Review of Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Number 10 – There are no women in this book

Number 9 – We learn you can start a fire with your spectacles. Yeah, we watched Survivor.

Number 8 – They are obsessed with pigs.

Number 7 – We learn that dancing will make you a savage – which explains why Baptists don’t allow it.

Number 6 – They set fire to the island….twice.

Number 5 – You can worship anything….literally anything.

Number 4 – A private place all to yourself is very, very valuable.

Number 3 – They are on an island, and nobody thinks to fish for food.

Number 2 – We learn that a diet of fruit will upset your stomach….duh.

And, finally number ONE: We are shown that boys are total animals, which girls already knew.

Advertisements

179: Housekeeping: Peter Pan Style

There is something about the chemistry of little boys and clean laundry that just does not mix  –  far worse than oil and water.

It is amazing what ideas they will entertain to avoid putting their clean clothes away neatly in the drawers and closets that we foolish parents provide for this  purpose.

I think it would be easier to teach an elephant to sing. I know it would be easier to eat said elephant.

Our son, after exhausting the usual clean-laundry hiding places (under the bed, stuffed in the toybox, crammed on the top shelf of his closet) decided that hiding his clean laundry under his room-size carpet would be the ideal new hiding place.

It looked like the elephant had left land mines in  there. This is a big carpet – about 12 feet  by 16 feet. I’m not sure *I* would have had the strength to lift it up to hide the clothes under there. I have to wonder how much easier would it have been to just put the laundry away?

Obviously, I have forfeited my childhood identity card forever. Peter Pan would be so disappointed in me.

155: Being Southern

The SOUTH, those states in the USA that are below the Mason-Dixon line, is a unique foreign country with a culture  distinctly alien from that which can be experienced in locales further north, like Miami. Southerners respect no laws but their own. Fortunately, their laws are generally more strict than the laws of other countries, such as New York or Philadelphia, so lawlessness is typically confined to such shenanigans as are common to teenaged males: high-spirited foolishness excused with a shrug of the shoulders and a shake of the head, “boys will be boys,” no matter their actual chronological age. The mere fact of being  male is apparently enough, and everyone knows that when a group of males congregates, their collective I.Q. drops at least 30 points – sometimes it drops into serious mental retardation. Males in a group will do things they would never, ever consider doing if they were alone, and they will do it in concert with their buddies with great pride.

Females know this, which is why groups of males are studiously avoided, unless a girl is “asking for it.” This phrase is similar to the universal southern defense for acts of murder: “he deserved killin,”  and it both explains and excuses various heinous acts as utterly reasonable, under the circumstances. If a female consorts with males in groups, all bets are off.

Driving in the South is interesting, and only recommended for natives. Foreigners are advised to stick to the interstates, and not to stop too often on their way to or from Florida. And God himself help a non-native who arrives at a four-way stop in rural southern Georgia. There is a complicated algorithm that takes effect when two or more Southerners arrive concurrently at a four-way stop that determines who goes first, and it has absolutely nothing to do with who arrived at the intersection first, contrary to what you might have been thinking. These factors include, in no particular order, the gender, age, ethnicity, socio-economic status and passengers of the person driving. These calculations cannot be completed correctly in the limited amount of time available by anyone less than third-generation Southern. Foreigners are going to have a fender-bender.

And, road signs are completely arbitrary by locals, who are “those in the know.” Various stop signs at railroad crossings in one small southern town I know of were completely optional. Normally, to ignore a stop sign at a railroad crossing in this small town was akin to ordering your casket in advance, because freight trains traversed the tracks, on average, every twenty minutes throughout the day and night. However, SOME  railroad stop signs were on spur tracks that were only occasionally used, and were freely ignored at will. If you try to stop for  THOSE stop signs, you will very likely be rear-ended by a native who was obviously not expecting you to stop.  These little things drive foreigners and immigrants (Northern retirees) crazy.