605: No, thank YOU

2F5D95FE00000578-3359311-image-a-7_1450101020182

I am so dreadfully sorry that I was in conversation with my husband, and neglected to notice that you held the door for us to enter the establishment. I am sure my error was compounded in triplicate because you are black and I am white. I can assure you it wasn’t intentional, nor do I expect such service from strangers, or black people in particular. Neither my husband or I am visibly handicapped, so you offered (of your own volition) to hold the door which you could clearly see we were capable of opening ourselves. That was both courteous, and kind of you.

What wasn’t, was your announcement in overly loud voice of that sarcastic “You’re WELCOME” when we neglected to immediately and profusely thank you ourselves for your kind (and unnecessary) gesture. Believe me, your deliberate rudeness put our unintentional forgetfulness squarely even and then some.

Why bother to offer a kindness (necessary or not) if all you are after is the public notice of your nobleness? And your conduct when you didn’t get your thanks (for whatever reason) certainly left us both with a clear impression of your “nobleness,” didn’t it?

Yes, it is our usual habit to acknowledge such a gesture with spoken thanks. Yes, we were engaged in our conversation, and we forgot to thank you. I don’t believe I have lowered myself to that level when my polite gestures have gone unrewarded and unnoticed, and if I ever have, I am thoroughly and utterly ashamed of myself.

Advertisements

576: Penthouse Episode

foreplay-fun

If you are in a committed relationship, your man thinks he has finally given up his last chance at ever having a Penthouse Episode. You know the ones….they used to appear in the pages of that magazine,  and factual or not, they were a glimpse into the fantasies of the average man. To have a woman so crazy for him that she would pretty much just attack and overwhelm him with her physical desire and her deep, inescapable need of his amazing, devastating masculinity.

Ladies – if you are in a committed relationship, give this gift to your man. Choose your time and place, since nobody wants to be arrested by the law (major passion killer, that), but pick a time and place and let him know in no uncertain terms how much you want and need him in that basic, elemental female-to-male way. He will be amazed, surprised, incredulous – and grateful, proud, and manly. Show that man you love above all others that you want and desire HIM – above all others.

Trust me, even if you are bashful when you do it, he will be thrilled. Every man wants to be loved and adored – show him that you are the woman who does love and adore him.

Give him his very own, personal and private Penthouse Episode. Doesn’t he deserve it?

560: Heebie-Jeebies

Panida_from-balcony-AllerGale-1920x1080px-v3

I have garnered the lead female role in a play, the Thirty Nine Steps. Actually, I play three different females in this play, all of whom interact with the male romantic lead. Who just happens to be my husband in real life. I get to kiss him onstage. More than once. In public. With an audience. Woo-hoo.

There are a lot of lines to learn. In a fairly short period of time. This is exciting, and scary, all at the same time. I am having performance anxiety issues, here, and I haven’t even performed yet. Worrying about things that may never happen. I’m pretty good at that, actually…..darn it.

I will choose to re-direct that snotty little voice in my head, and tell it that I will be wonderful, rave reviews, fantastically good time had by all (including me). I will not listen to internal negative thoughts of forgetting lines, or tripping onstage, or having wardrobe issues – I will have a great time in three accents: German, Scottish and plummy British. And I will kiss my husband, leading man, with gusto and fervor. Woo-hoo!

 

545: Too busy to write is too freaking busy

images

I process my life by writing. When things happen, I process my thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions through the reflective and revealing lens of the written word. This is the method that works well for me. Except lately.

Lately, having moved country (Atyrau, Kazakhstan to Fitzgerald, Georgia, USA), started a new job in a sort-of new school (I taught there before I decided to leave the USA), moving into a new place, BUYING a new residence, becoming a new grandmother and obtaining a delightful new husband……I do not have time lately to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

This is a serious problem. I get the sneaking suspicion that without the catharsis of processing everything via my usual written lens that I am missing the deeper significance of things – leaving important details out, losing the flavor, the spice, the nuance – the meaning of life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

I just don’t have the time to fret about it before some new demand raises its head, insisting on being dealt with RIGHT NOW.

The urgent is overwhelming the important, ding dong dag nab it.

*sigh*

462: Slap in the Face

Wow. Sometimes it takes the astute observation of another person to make you realize you have not been honest with yourself. I like to think that I am honest with myself (who doesn’t?), that I am fairly logical and think things through. Well. NOT. Looks like I have some work to do.

I am divorced.

Nobody likes admitting and looking at failure, particularly when it is their own failure. I skirted around this issue, being divorced, because it’s just easier, and there is less to deal with socially, if I just don’t mention it. That is a form of lying to myself, and to others as well. My marriage ended, formally on paper at least, about a year ago.

The problem with loyalty as a character trait is that sometimes it gets in the way of taking action that you know that you need to take. Especially when it involves people you care about. The person you cared enough about to marry is a prime example. When a divorce is amicable, with the good of both partners considered, no fireworks or screaming, it can be another problem all in itself. Screaming and anger makes it much easier to walk away – run away, probably. We did not do that, even though I did move, on my own, to another country.

So, for a time after the paperwork was finalized, we communicated, and continue to do so. I don’t hate the man. I just could not continue to live with him. Being friendly, even on a long-distance basis (we were in different countries, for Pete’s sake) led to the idea that possibly, somewhere down the road, the relationship we had (mostly a good one) might be resurrected. I toyed with it, I considered it. I know better. I always knew better. I just wasn’t facing it.

As time moved on with no change in his circumstances, and as part of my own process of moving on, I took a new job in a new country. And, I joined an online dating site – determined to do something concrete to begin the search, once again, for a life partner (by long-distance, written communication first, where there was no physical attraction to gum up the works). I hoped that getting to know someone intellectually first, discovering common ground in interests, values and goals in advance of a face-to-face meeting, might make for a more secure foundation for a long-term relationship that what I had done in the past. So far, so good. Nice theory, and I hope it works.

It took an astute comment from someone I met online (who is thoughtful and wiser that I), however, for me to finally come face-to-face with my own intellectual dishonesty – to myself and to others. I was still referring to my ex-husband as my husband, and I have been doing that for some time. Even when I met with him one last time to discuss the future and how I did not want it to include us as a couple, I continued to refer to him as my husband….not my ex-husband.

Damn. I am not liking what I see in the mirror today. It stinks being ashamed of yourself, especially when it was something you did to yourself. and you have absolutely no one else to blame but your own stupid self.

385: Raising Livestock

pets 015At my home here in Panama, I raise livestock. I have chickens for eggs and meat, rabbits for meat and sheep for meat and cash. Livestock, while still lovable and entertaining, are not pets. I name the breeders: the moms and dad who are the foundation. Their offspring I do not name, because they are for the table. That moms, plural, is not a typo. There is a single dad. There are multiple moms. I am running an Islamic animal society: multiple wives. Lots of women is desirable, but you only need one man. The rest of the men you EAT. For DINNER. With sauce, spices, and HERBS.

sheepies! 012

If you are an animal man, life is either short and sweet, or long and satisfying (but only if you are a very lucky and EXCEPTIONALLY handsome man who is gentle with your wives). Most animal men end up with a life that is  short and sweet, since one male is sufficient for the needs of the livestock owner´s multiple females.  Since one male is enough and feed costs are an issue, most males are extra, and end up as dinner after a short time.  You do need to change him out (trade him to another farmer) every other year or so, so he does not breed his own daughters (yuck).

 

The ladies, however, live long and productive lives. The only ones of THEM you eat are the ones who don´t make good mommies. If you are a girl, your chances of a long life are pretty good. You don´t, however, usually get to choose your spouse. It does not appear to bother them a whole lot. They don´t seem to mind.  It is pretty much the same situation in the wild, except there, it is the bully who gets to be the husband to all the available ladies. At least I choose a husband who is gentle.

April 30,  Linda gave birth to twin lambs. The herd is growing! The chickens are getting their own outdoor pen soon, and the rabbits need another lady bunny to be a wife to the second male breeder bunny.

So far, the livestock has pretty much been all cost and no benefit, but that is normal whenever you start raising animals. The youngsters have to grow up and mature enough to reproduce before you begin to see returns on your investment. Since I have been in Panama only a few months, I am not there yet.  SOON!!