631: People and places

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The press of others in a city is depressing, oppressive, threatening, limiting

the peace of a place that is not in a city                    isn’t.

 

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630: Last regards

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Perhaps caring about others is the problem.

Taking care of me is often quite enough to be concerned with, and can at times be more than I can cope with, so….seeking the solo existence as I age into nothingness (exaltedness?) could be the correct path to choose.

It wasn’t my life’s goal to have a full church for my funeral. I’d rather skip the funeral altogether, thanks.  Hubs is donating his remains to science. After they harvest whatever useful bits of me that may remain, the un-useful bits that remain can be tidily disposed of, no fuss, no muss. AOK with me.

I have been present when others have spoken of their family and friends who have ‘gone on before,’ and been astounded at what paltry bits they remember about those people. And what untold grandeur they don’t. Frankly, if my entire existence on this planet can be summed up in a sentence or two from the people who should have mattered most to me – well, just never mind.

I was during this lifetime, like all those other people, working on doing the best that I  could do, for me certainly, but also for all those others for whom I was responsible or felt responsible towards (regardless of their views on the matter). I know I didn’t do that perfectly – nobody does. But I did it well or badly at the expense of all those other endeavors I could have been about.

If I had not cared about others, my exit from this world (and probably my entire journey through it), could be much less significant, and could have been a great deal more. Responsibility for others takes up a great deal of time, energy/effort, and resources that probably could/should have been better spent on other endeavors. But no, I did what I felt was the responsible thing.

I only wish I could be more satisfied with that use of my life. Having done it, it can’t be taken back and re-done. And those I did it for attach their own value to what I did for them, on their behalf. Our views on those years are not seen from the same promontory, and certainly aren’t seen with the same cognizance of the cost.

So, when it is my time to depart this mortal coil, let it pass with no fanfare, and no further regard. If it wasn’t worth attending to during the living hours, it certainly isn’t worth attending to once those are over.

Namaste.

590: Respect for Humans

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I love you.

You are another human bean, sprouting,

growing into the best human you can be – being.

You are completely, totally, irrevocably unique among the billions of other beans that exist, breathe, scream, laugh, sorrow, rejoice, live….just like every other bean….totally unique.

This sense of you being the only one (which you ARE) works only so long as you remember that you are the ONE among all the other ONES.

They (ALL) deserve exactly the same high regard that you do, since they are also totally unique ONES, with all their advantages, disadvantages, successes, failures, flaws and strengths. Totally unique.

You cannot MAKE more of yourself, than another – for to do so lessens us all. You can have what you earn, what you are given, not what you take – that cost of taking is high in this life and in the next, and payment will be exacted upon you, and upon us, for what you take that you have not earned nor been given.

Live your life, and let others live their lives.

Do no harm. Try to live and do no harm.

For us all.

588: Insisting on Unkindness

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Insisting on being, saying, doing unkindness is your choice.

It isn’t as though you are a perfect human and therefore should be raised up as the shining example of behavior for all of humankind to emulate.

Far from it; the hatefulness you spew from your own well of emptiness

is a potent example of everything humankind needs, deserves, chooses to abhor.

Making a difference, inspiring change, is not about pulling others down with whom you disagree,

joining with others as small-spirited as you yourself

to poke fun together at those who dare to take a stand for the hope of all.

We are not in middle school anymore. Act like it.

574: Those Who Are Important

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There are those people who are important

to me, and those who are important to you.

I trust your judgment even when

I do not trust those who are important to you.

In this, this important life that lives between us, I am not central and

you are not central. The life that lives between us, and binds us heart-to-heart,

is central.

Because of you, I choose to respect those who are important to you,

to honor the life between us.

To honor you.

565: Mea culpa maxima

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It’s all my fault.

You would not have it any other way – you cannot possibly bear any responsibility, now, would you?

Things, and people, which cannot be borne are best forgiven, and then assiduously avoided, because pain is…..painful. It is possible to think of you, now, without anger. But not without pain. Yet. When I have achieved that goal, it will be possible to remember you without sadness.

I invested in you. The money is irrelevant – it is only money, no matter how much money it was. I invested myself into you. It is now time to invest in myself, even though I don’t do that very well yet. I have spent so many years investing in others instead of me, that it is difficult to even believe I am worthy of investment.

Working on it.

On all of it.

534: I don’t know

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I don’t know.

I don’t know how it will turn out.

I don’t know if time will prove this is the right decision.

I don’t know whether I am worthy of the challenge. I don’t know if you are.

I don’t know how I will feel in five years.

I don’t know how the details will work out, if things will fall into place and make this possible.

I don’t know how others will react.

I don’t know if the results, the rewards, will prove worth the risk and effort it will take.

I don’t know how much time we will have.

What I do know is that I hope, and because of that hope, I commit to you.

For now, and for all the tomorrows I have, every day: my choice is you, and by extension, US.

THAT, I do know.

 

What I hope is good, right, worthy, love, in time, happiness, and YES, for all the time we both have left,

and for all the time to come, even after that.

 

(dedicated to Mr. and Mrs. CINOR (Constantly In Need Of Reassurance)