Perhaps caring about others is the problem.
Taking care of me is often quite enough to be concerned with, and can at times be more than I can cope with, so….seeking the solo existence as I age into nothingness (exaltedness?) could be the correct path to choose.
It wasn’t my life’s goal to have a full church for my funeral. I’d rather skip the funeral altogether, thanks. Hubs is donating his remains to science. After they harvest whatever useful bits of me that may remain, the un-useful bits that remain can be tidily disposed of, no fuss, no muss. AOK with me.
I have been present when others have spoken of their family and friends who have ‘gone on before,’ and been astounded at what paltry bits they remember about those people. And what untold grandeur they don’t. Frankly, if my entire existence on this planet can be summed up in a sentence or two from the people who should have mattered most to me – well, just never mind.
I was during this lifetime, like all those other people, working on doing the best that I could do, for me certainly, but also for all those others for whom I was responsible or felt responsible towards (regardless of their views on the matter). I know I didn’t do that perfectly – nobody does. But I did it well or badly at the expense of all those other endeavors I could have been about.
If I had not cared about others, my exit from this world (and probably my entire journey through it), could be much less significant, and could have been a great deal more. Responsibility for others takes up a great deal of time, energy/effort, and resources that probably could/should have been better spent on other endeavors. But no, I did what I felt was the responsible thing.
I only wish I could be more satisfied with that use of my life. Having done it, it can’t be taken back and re-done. And those I did it for attach their own value to what I did for them, on their behalf. Our views on those years are not seen from the same promontory, and certainly aren’t seen with the same cognizance of the cost.
So, when it is my time to depart this mortal coil, let it pass with no fanfare, and no further regard. If it wasn’t worth attending to during the living hours, it certainly isn’t worth attending to once those are over.