617: If you don’t know me by now

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That song by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes is running through my head like a funeral dirge. In a way, it is a funeral dirge. The song says to the other lover, “You have grossly and fundamentally misunderstood me yet again, after all this time, and all my examples to the contrary.”

That song is a funeral dirge – a sad song sung at the death of something valued. The thing that died is trust and understanding.

I feel sad, because it is quite normal to feel sad when something that was valued dies. It is even more tragic when it died because it was murdered, with a deliberate choice to believe something of me……that is not me, by inclination or by example.

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After this happens, I have to choose. I have to choose between forgiving/understanding/explaining one more time, and resurrecting what died (and it feels like an un-dead zombie for quite a while after it is resurrected), or accepting that your judgment of me really is the way you think of me fundamentally down deep inside yourself, and let it remain dead, have the funeral, sing the song, and MOVE ON.

Yes, the hardest choice you will ever make is whether to stick with it and give it one MORE try, or whether to finally accept that this thing is dead, was so flawed at the foundation to start with that it cannot be reanimated into an awkward un-dead, but still mostly dead, rotting, worm and decay infested zombie, slowly and painfully warming up to resemble real life.

So, do  I turn the page and keep reading this stinker of a novel, or close the book, and decide whether to choose another, different book, or just swear off reading forever? I have been known to continue reading a stinker to the bitter end, and I have also closed a stinker and found another book. Not sure which choice was the better one Рand I am darn sure that I am not looking forward to having to make either choice yet again.

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Time to choose, because not choosing is still a choice.

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597: Expectations

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Don’t expect trust and openness when you have dished out hurt and suspicion.

Don’t expect acceptance when you have dished out disrespect.

Don’t expect me to be bigger than you, and more accepting than you, and being willing to take more ‘wrongness’ than you just because I am who I am

and despite the fact that I have done so in the past

that does not mean that I am willing to continue in the error of my ways.

The worm has turned.

574: Those Who Are Important

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There are those people who are important

to me, and those who are important to you.

I trust your judgment even when

I do not trust those who are important to you.

In this, this important life that lives between us, I am not central and

you are not central. The life that lives between us, and binds us heart-to-heart,

is central.

Because of you, I choose to respect those who are important to you,

to honor the life between us.

To honor you.

258: Trust and Honor

Trust and honor are words.

They reflect ways of thinking and acting ethically

even when others don’t.

Trust can be killed –

and when it has been, resurrecting it

is a miracle of time and hard work.

Honor cannot be killed.

It can be betrayed

Portrayed

as true when it is not.

Both trust and honor are earned

by those who revere them

and betrayed

by those who don’t.

188: Making up is not the same

There is one problem with making up with someone. Even though whatever you or they, or you BOTH did is discussed, compromised upon, and/or outright forgiven – it is never, ever, never, never ever, ever never, forgotten.

This is true with a friend, an acquaintance, a girl- or boy-friend, you name it: even a family member, immediate or removed. Things are never the same again. This issue, whatever it was, and even though it is now resolved, will always be there to think about whenever anything else comes up that requires trust from either you or from them.

This is doubly true with a spouse. Especially if the issue is one of fidelity. Even if the nasty never happened – it was just “thought about.” One partner who was “thinking about” another person in THAT way is just a problem now. Even though the other partner (that would be ME) is willing to forgive and forget, they are lying about the forget part. I know darn good and well that I am. Lying about the forget part, I mean. I might remind myself over and over that I forgave that lapse, but it won’t ever go away, and it will rear its ugly head every time there is an occassion in the future when I am supposed to trust my partner. Before I just did. Not now. I might make myself do it anyway, but the trust is gone. And *I* didn’t do it.