593: Enough

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What is enough?

What is excess – what is not enough?

Can I trust this yearning inside that tells me

yes, this is lacking, and no, that is surfeit?

There is no better judge, no better measure

of enough

than resides in this heart

that beats in this breast

in this body

that is the center of my personal universe.

There can be no better understanding

as that is the only understanding

I will ever, ever know.

Trusting what is within me

to be enough.

592: YOUR problem, not mine

I cannot help the way you choose to think of me. I am sure what you think, you believe is accurate, and it is – from your point of view. Problem is, that isn’t necessarily an accurate location from which to view these events.

Try putting yourself into my shoes for a minute – the person who cared for you much more than you cared in return, and who still cares more for you than you care in return.

I cannot help your views. But I do not have to hang around while you figure out how limited your views are. It’s probably going to take quite some time, and I am not holding my breath on you getting any smarter anytime soon.

Your loss – and by extension – also mine. That’s the sad part – what you deny us both by continuing to believe you are always right.

I already know neither of us is that, and won’t ever, ever be that. You, however, have a lot of learning yet to accomplish, and I am not holding school for you any longer.

You will have to finish growing up all by yourself. If you can.

 

591: Merry Go Round

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There is a song I first heard in a Harry Chapin concert that says “all my life’s a circle, sunrise to sundown” and that is so accurate.

I am on life’s merry go round, listening to the manic music as the cylinder turns to the hurdy-gurdy tune. I watch the blur as what I suspect is the “real life” continues beyond the passing swirl as the ride (that I am somehow on) flashes past what I can clearly see (even if I see it in glimpses) is a slower, more sedate, more relaxed pace. As I ride my pony (up in the morning, highs and lows during the day and down at night), I see others who are also on this ride (my fellow inmates) on their fantastical mounts (each at once more beautiful and macabre than the last) bobbing up and down as I am, on the waves of the un-soothing music.

When did I buy my ticket for this ride? Was that when I was born, or did I choose it somewhere along the way?

When did I stand in line to get on this ride – was that my long years of schooling? Was that when I accepted my first paying job? Was it when I married?

How did I end up here?

More importantly, those I can glimpse who are clearly not on this merry go round, are they more content with their experience, as it appears that they are?

And most important of all – if I choose to go the other way (scary thought, that, as this manic ride is all I’ve ever known) – how do I get OFF this ride?

590: Respect for Humans

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I love you.

You are another human bean, sprouting,

growing into the best human you can be – being.

You are completely, totally, irrevocably unique among the billions of other beans that exist, breathe, scream, laugh, sorrow, rejoice, live….just like every other bean….totally unique.

This sense of you being the only one (which you ARE) works only so long as you remember that you are the ONE among all the other ONES.

They (ALL) deserve exactly the same high regard that you do, since they are also totally unique ONES, with all their advantages, disadvantages, successes, failures, flaws and strengths. Totally unique.

You cannot MAKE more of yourself, than another – for to do so lessens us all. You can have what you earn, what you are given, not what you take – that cost of taking is high in this life and in the next, and payment will be exacted upon you, and upon us, for what you take that you have not earned nor been given.

Live your life, and let others live their lives.

Do no harm. Try to live and do no harm.

For us all.

589: Choice

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I love you.

I do not want to continue seriously rethinking that statement.

I empathize with your frustration when I challenge your belief statements. Making personal attacks against me does, at least temporarily, achieve your objective: I lose interest in the intellectual debate and focus on the hurt instead, and you are no longer intellectually uncomfortable since I am no longer challenging you, and indeed, I usually withdraw to lick my wounds.

This is infantile behavior on your part, and it is beneath you. I would like to believe it is beneath you. It has happened often enough that I am seriously rethinking that statement, as well. I do not deserve personal attacks from you, I do not accept them from you, I will not continue to receive them from you. If you are incapable of indulging in intellectual debate without resorting to such remarks when the water begins to heat, that is your own personal failing, and not mine.

After reflection, your choices are two. You can stop engaging in intellectual debate with me, and enjoy the fact that I love you, with all that entails. Or you can choose door number two. When it comes to personal attacks, I do have, unfortunately, some small experience upon which to draw.

I do not need you. I love you, and that is another kettle of fish entirely. At the moment, these fish are smelling pretty rank. I am, as yet, unwilling to scuttle the kettle, but it is always an option. I am not threatening you, I am merely stating some facts for your consideration.

Your choice.

588: Insisting on Unkindness

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Insisting on being, saying, doing unkindness is your choice.

It isn’t as though you are a perfect human, and therefore should be raised up as the shining example of behavior for all of humankind to emulate.

Far from it, the hatefulness you spew, from your own well of emptiness,

is a potent example of everything humankind needs, deserves, chooses to abhor.

Making a difference, inspiring change is not about pulling others down with whom you disagree,

joining with others as small-spirited as you yourself

to poke fun together at those who dare to take a stand for the hope of all.

We are not in middle school anymore. Act like it.