393: GI Tract Reflections

Most of us don’t think too much about all of our internal workings. As long as they ARE working, that’s usually good enough. We don’t check up on the mechanism too often, until we hit the age of 50 and are introduced to our first joyous colonoscopy experience. Believe me, you will learn far more about your insides than you EVER wanted to know before, during, and after that time.

Last night, I had an intimate dance with my GI (gastro-intestinal) tract. I thought about my insides, literally, all night. All night is a particularly vulnerable time for most humans. We expect to be sleeping peacefully. We don’t expect to be jolted awake from a doze by violent warnings that an eruption is about to take place. Thank GOD, I was not awakened by the notification that a violent eruption HAD taken place.  However, the situation was grim enough that I put a towel in the bed under me, just in case. I am talking serious, even inflammatory, issues.

This dark-of-the-night suffering led to an intense personal reflection over the last several day’s activities, in a pathetic attempt to pinpoint what egregious alimentary error was responsible for this nine-hour ordeal I was going through (every twenty minutes), in hopes that I might forever avoid that food if I ever saw it again. I got to repeat this reflection process about twice an hour for the full duration. This problem LAUGHED at Immodium, the anti-diarrhea medicine that usually manages to nip violent food poisoning issues in the bud. LAUGHED. REPEATEDLY.

Thank God for petroleum jelly. I learned THAT trick while undergoing the aforementioned joyous colonoscopy experience. Just wait – your turn is coming……..

and as a helpful. public-service preview of this delightful procedure: http://www.miamiherald.com/2009/02/11/427603/dave-barry-a-journey-into-my-colon.html

 

 

Advertisements

392: Overwhelmed

HOW COME, in my life, that I cannot have just one part of it go to hell at a time? I can cope if work goes to crap, if the other parts are chugging along OK. I can manage if my family life takes a nosedive, if the other parts are OK. I can make it if the money runs out, so long as  the other stuff is fine. I can deal if my relationships go south, as long as the other parts of my life are running along smoothly. As long as it is only one part at a time, even if it is a significant part, I can handle it. I don’t like it, but I can cope.

WHY, oh, WHY, is it that it never happens that way? When one of those life compartments falls completely apart, all the other parts promptly get jealous about the attention it is getting, and like three-year old toddlers, throw a tantrum and go straight into the crapper as well. It is like your car – it KNOWS when you have an extra hundred dollars in the bank, and it will fall apart to get it. Every time. NEVER congratulate yourself that you have almost made it to the next payday and you still have a couple hundred bucks left…wheeze, gasp, rattle, bang, CLUNK. Oh, crap.

And GOD forbid you make the last payment on the credit card that pays the damn thing off………you will break a tooth, a leg, get pregnant (or get someone ELSE pregnant), the washer will die, a pipe will burst and flood the house, you will find termites, your kid will need an appendectomy or tonsillectomy (or BOTH)……………something will happen to blow that proud accomplishment all to pieces. I guaran-damn-tee it.

It is a good thing that God loves us. Just THINK how much worse it would be if the devil was in charge!

 

391:How Come? (no pun intended)

get-attachment.aspx

Why do people (read: men, mostly) in public positions, who have so very, very much to lose, engage in extra-marital sex? Why?

Some claim it is an addiction. Addictions are choices. You have to choose to try something, and choose it over and over and over, usually, to develop an addiction to it. You picked it, with a little help from some weak gene, perhaps, but – you picked it. Still your fault.

Some claim they were seduced. Duh. Sin is attractive (read: seductive), because no one would commit it if it was ugly, obvious and UNattractive. You chose to do it. Still your fault.

Some claim it was because their significant, legal choice for legitimate sex was unforthcoming with the goods. Sounds like a relationship problem you can work out with time, therapy and some serious romancing on your part – not to mention cleaning up the ugly parts of your life and character that are turning your significant other OFF to the point that they are not interested in you even touching them. And, if all those remedies are unproductive, you can divorce them and hook up (legally) with someone more compatible with your sex drive. Still your fault.

And SOME offer no redeeming ideas at all for their stupid, childish, undisciplined, sexually risky and career-risking behavior whatsoever. STILL YOUR FAULT.

389: You IDJIT

download

There have been times this epithet has been directed at other people. I admit it  – sometimes other people are just plain stupid. So there.

More frequently, lately, this scorching has been aimed squarely at…………………………………………..me.

Ding dong dag nab it, sometimes I win the trophy. Queen bee idjit. Tiara and all.

I know when I’ve done it, too – there is that oh-no second when I realize it is too late, right before the snot hits the fan and delivers a smooth spatter to the universe. The cringe of full knowledge – eyup, that was me, blazing a trail where few had trod before, dammit, and none will (willingly) tread after.  *sigh*

Most of my idjit difficulties appear to stem from the undeniable fact that I cannot keep my big mouth SHUT. Can. NOT. Do. It.

If I am thinking it (and I occasionally do have some good thoughts, even if I do say so myself), it goes immediately to the superhighway of speech before I can warn my tongue about the speed trap ahead. And there is no calling it back once it is out there. Unlike a fart that can be politely ignored, or better yet, blamed on someone else, there is little possibility of unclaiming something I have just announced to the wide world. Brain farts converted to speech farts can NOT be passed off on somebody else, dammit. I know. I’ve tried – no dice.

This diarrhea-of-the-mouth problem I have does not include secrets – I just want to help solve any problems I hear about, so I get myself into trouble trying to help fix things. Sometimes the idjit trophy arrives squarely at my door that way, too.

So, excuse me while I adjust my tiara and march off-stage with my trophy: Miss Idjit, Universe level.

387: Misdirection, Diversion, Bait-and-switch, Spin

I ran across a video slamming people who say that immigrants are sinking the country (you pick whichever country you like). For starters, every country has immigrants, except for those actively involved in a war, and even then, they get mercenaries. Immigration is the influx of people who are migrating to try and improve their lives. Any geography or history textbook will tell you about this topic, and the causes of it. People migrate due to environmental factors (drought and famine), war, medical reasons (plagues come to mind), for financial reasons (government implosion and mass inflation), and for political reasons (Barack Obama got elected – TWICE).  That last reason is why I migrated from the USA.

What I see from the news coming out of America is that they are masters of diversionary tactics, these Obama-drones, as are most other liberal policy followers. You have to be a master of spin to keep believing in failed liberal policies, now, don’t you? Especially to keep promoting said failed liberal policies to inexperienced new generations of people who also believe they know better than anyone else, and therefore, should be running the world. That’s why we call it young AND STUPID. That problem is usually fixed with time and experience.

This particular video: http://www.upworthy.com/next-time-someone-tells-you-that-immigrants-are-destroying-our-country-show-them-this?c=reccon1, goes into exquisite detail about how immigrants are not destroying the nation. Guess what? This nation was founded upon immigrants. Period. Of course immigrants are not the problem.  Immigrants are not the problem.

The problem with immigrants, any sort of immigrants, is not the ones who come legally into a country and work, start a business, raise a family, attend school, pay taxes, employ people. The problem is the ones who don’t do it legally, and the politicians who cater to a segment of the population that are not citizens of the nation they were elected to serve.

This sort of video does not address the problem with immigrants. Legal immigrants have the right. The problem with immigrants is that illegal ones, breaking the law, ALSO have the rights – and should not have.