503: On the Edge

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I stand on the edge. I am enjoying the limitless view of the (potential) landscape presented by this cliff face. I hiked up here, slogging through defeat, failure, misery, fatigue, worry, broken relationships, wasted and unfulfilled promises, and finally, through the healing, to make it to this summit – this cliff face, this decision.

I can see, clearly, the possibilities that await the leap. I have decided to do it. I will jump, abandoning safety for the possibility of finally achieving what I have sought all along. The decision already has been made. It will happen, unless something outside my power occurs to stop it.

I have only to wait until the time is right. Impatiently, though trying to be patient.

Three months, two weeks. Hold on – the leap is coming!


478: Why?


Because you are breathing, and life isn’t always fair. Because there are lessons you are supposed to learn from this, and you haven’t learned them yet, or you would not be going through this again. Because there is a reason that you can’t see, and this time, the lesson is that you are supposed to have faith and trust that God knows best for you. Even if it hurts.

Because it is for the good of someone else, not you this time. Because you are strong enough to take it, and come out victorious on the other side, even if it does not feel that way right now. Because you made a less-than wise (OK, butt-ugly, dumb, and stupid) decision and must now suffer the consequences of your own haste/poor judgment/desires. Because the universe and the planets aligned and it was simply your turn. Because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Because you deserved it (ouch). Because karma made that big circle, and your chickens are coming home to roost. Because you were good and noble and the world does not always honor that. Because it is a sacrifice. Because it is an honor. Because you love. Because you live.

Pick one.

137: Decisions, decisions!

Well. Darn it. Ding dong, dag nab it. Shoot, fire, flood, and famine. Hell-fire and damnation. Fart. (*&^$$%#@!@%$%^)(*&*&^#$#$@&**&. POOP.

I broke down and finally read the letter from the Provost at my former on-line University, which FINALLY arrived, six months after my complaint letter. Against all hope of an amicable compromise, they have made absolutely no concessions to me regarding the sub-standard employee/professor who set me back a year+ in my doctoral program. Their response amounts to “suck it up, girl, and pay your money like everybody else.” They had the gall to brag about their employee vetting and training program that “ensures quality and professionalism.” As if – I already proved to them that at least one professor skipped the lessons they were supposed to teach her – and that’s the one they assigned me to, of course.

They expect me to re-enroll (fee), register for more classes (tuition + fees), and start all over again: because I cannot just take up where I left off. They already told me that the idea for my Concept Paper won’t do (a year after initial submission of the document), and to fix it, I must have more participants – which I cannot manufacture out of thin air, or pull out of my……backpack.

So, it is time to decide whether I want to throw good money after bad, and add to the 34 THOUSAND dollars’ worth of student loan debt I already have, which was supposed to pay for the entire program of doctoral degree courses – by their calculations – and didn’t. I am still one course short, out of loan funds, and now, with this additional Concept Paper problem, just one more course will NOT complete the degree. So, I am looking at at LEAST three thousand more dollars, and probably it will be more like five thousand more.

I have twenty-two years of teaching experience, and this degree (if completed) will add dollars to my salary on a yearly basis. However, I have at most, fifteen more years to teach, if I want to continue teaching that long. I could retire after just eight more.  I wanted the degree for myself, AND for the extra cash. Now, I get to decide if it is worth it to me, or NOT.

Would I recommend this online University to anyone else (www.ncu.edu)? As if. Are you seriously kidding me? I have already warned multiple students away from this money-hungry, unprofessional, non-consumer-and-student-un-friendly place. And, of course, I will file a complaint with the accrediting body who says their educational programs are up-to-par. As if.

Sounds like my decision is made, does it not?